Planning my doctorate while entering kindergarten

The title is something I said on a friend's Facebook status. He had just posted his running distance and time, so naturally I commented and we started talking about our goals. I felt silly when I shared that my goals include not only a marathon, but a triathlon. I mean, I can't even run a full mile outside yet. I have so much work ahead of me, is it even possible? But then I thought about how far I've come. When I first started running on the treadmills at the gym, I could only run for 30 seconds. I slowly increased this, step by step, until I could run for 1 full mile (at a 15 minute pace). Then I moved outside. I could only run for 1/6th of a mile before I had to stop and walk for a while. But then yesterday I was able to run for a third of a mile, and was able to run again after walking the length of a block. By running a block and walking a block, I was able to complete 1.6 miles in 27 minutes. So I'm slow, I know. But the next time I go I'll run a few more feet. And so on and so forth, until I can run a full mile. And then I will keep going, because there is always room to improve. The thing that is hard for me to articulate, is why I run. I don't have an urge to run, like some of my friends do. I am finally at the point where I get exercise endorphins, but not so much that I crave them yet. I suppose I run because if you met me, you wouldn't expect me to be a runner. Runners are tall and lean, with wiry muscles. I'm short, and all curves. A lot of my goals in life I've done because someone told me I can't, or I wouldn't be good at it. Sometimes, those things have turned into my favorite activities. It's worked well for me so far.

Taking a leap of faith

I put in my two weeks notice yesterday, and I have no job lined up. And I could not be happier with my decision. Yes I know it's a huge risk, and yes I know that on paper it was a stupid decision. But life isn't just about what looks good on paper. It's also about what makes your heart sing, or what is slowly crushing your spirit. Because sometimes even if there is nothing really wrong with a job, if it's not right for you then it will slowly kill you. And so for the sake of my own sanity, I'm jumping ship. It's time to sink or swim and unlike Dido, I am not going down with this ship. I will find somewhere new and better and perfect for me, even if I have to go through a thousand temp jobs and ramen meals to get there. I've already had people comment on how much happier I seem. I even car danced this morning. You know, when the perfect song comes on your radio and you can't help but turn it up and do a little dance. I don't remember the last time I car danced. I am however, looking for a job. I'm working with a staffing agency and they seem to be pretty busy, so hopefully I will find a place soon. In the mean time my first day of class this summer is this weekend, we're moving in a month so we have packing to do, and well there's always my writing. It would be nice to get that going again. So, my few but lovely readers. What leaps of faith are calling you? What is holding you back? What's the worst that could happen if it doesn't work out? What's the best that could happen?

Drained

Hello everyone.

How are you today? I'm feeling rather drained. I'm still in my pajamas, hair unbrushed. Although I did brush my teeth at least. I don't particularly feel like dealing with anyone. And if there is anyone around, let's not talk. I'll make you some tea, lend you a book and a blanket and we can sit in silent companionship. Have you ever had a friend you can do that with? I do, a few actually. Mostly my fellow introverts. It can be rather soothing actually, to be able to sit with another human being and not feel like you must fill the gaps and cracks in the world with words, noise, nonsense.

Today what I want is tea, silence, and the space to be introspective. I've been able to enjoy these this morning, but I fear it's coming to an end soon. Tuesdays are the day my parents' cleaning lady comes, which means I have to chose between staying home and making conversation, or going out and running the risk of Friendly Strangers. And then there is class tonight, which requires more interaction.

So for now I am enjoying my solitude. The house is quiet, all I hear is the ticking clock. There's an explosion of green in front of me - house plants on this side of the window, and two trees and lilac bushes on the other side of the window.

Do you ever feel the need to wrap yourself in silence and solitude? What do you do for your mental/emotional health?

Exercise notes and more

Twice now I have participated in a couch to 5k program with my good friend B. She has a program on her phone that tells us when to walk and when to run. I believe it takes a half an hour. There's only one day a week that we know for sure will work, so I am planning on buying the program so I can do it on my own the other two days. It's not entirely challenging yet for me, but I know it will be soon. And I'm fine with easing back into exercising. Today when I came home I decided to do some push ups and planks. I managed to do 3 full pushups, but then I had to switch to being on my knees. I did 7 more on my knees. My goal right now is to be able to do 10 full push-ups. I also did a 20 second forearm plank, and 15 second side planks on each side.

In other news, I'm still looking for a ceremony location for my wedding. I did pick up my wedding dress this past Saturday though. While I was changing back into my clothes my mom made a suggestion about cutting out starches. I was kind of taken aback by that. I think instead I will try to eat healthy, and work out regularly. I'm trying to learn to value my body for what it is, rather then punishing myself for not fitting some societal bullshit requirements.

To run, or not to run.

I'm late on my update. I completely forgot about it last Friday. I don't even remember if something was going on, or if I just forgot. I probably just forgot. With so much going on, I've been forgetting a lot of things. I'm not really sure what to say though. I feel like even though I'm incredibly busy I have nothing to write about. I'm busy with all the same stuff and I don't want to bore you guys. Work (trying to find a new job,) School (trying to find time to do my homework), Wedding planning (trying to find a ceremony location).

Mainly lately, I've been trying to be ok with the fact that I seem to have gained a little weight. I don't know if I have or not. I haven't stepped on a scale because I'm trying to change a lifetime habit of associating my worth with my weight.

I could just be bloated. It is that time. However, I would not be surprised if I had gained some weight. I crave chocolate and salty snacks pretty much all the time when I'm stressed. So, I haven't been eating healthy. I also haven't been working out. I usually do Zumba once a week, but that's about it. And I didn't go last night. I was supposed to start exercising with a friend, but I had to cancel because I was exhausted.

I get jealous whenever I see a runner. I'm not sure if it's because I usually see then when I'm at or on my way to work, or if I really wish I was running.

Dream morning, take 1.

My dream morning did not happen this morning. At least, not entirely. I set my alarm to 7:30am, as I did not go to bed until 12:30. Mainly because Fiance doesn't come home until 10:30, and it really stinks to go all day without having a real conversation, or spending any time with him. Which honestly is my biggest obstacle to my early morning dream. Let's face it, his work schedule isn't likely to change. I will have to decide if watching the sun rise is worth not having those couple of hours with him.

It was successful in that I spent some time working on homework. I'm not done by any means, but at least I've worked on it. I will have to choose between exercising, and writing though as I don't have time to do both now.

Fiance is off of work today. Perhaps I can convince him to go for a walk with me after I get off of work. I would like to get some form of movement in today, but by the time I get off of work it is dark still and I am nervous about being a lone woman walking around in the dark. I wish I didn't live in a world where I had to worry about that.

I'm thinking about waking up at 7 tomorrow even though it's my day off. If I continue waking up a half hour earlier every day then it will be easier to wake up before the sun rises. However, it would be nice to have one morning that I don't wake up to an alarm.

So, goals for the week:
1. Work on achieving dream morning
2. Continue working on Master's Degree
3. Continue planning wedding
4. Write
5. Exercise.

If I don't talk to ya'll before then, see you in a week!

In which I describe my dream mornings

In my ideal life, I wake up before the sun rises fully refreshed. I make myself a cup of coffee or tea, and sit outside and watch the sun rise and contemplate life. Then I go for a run in the cool morning air, or do yoga in my back yard. Or maybe I take care of my garden, weeding, watering, and harvesting. And then I sit down with my journal or laptop, and write. Either creatively, journaling, or both.

Sounds lovely, right? So why aren't I doing it? My mornings right now generally involve waking up just after the sun rises feeling like a zombie until after I've had caffiene. Telling myself I will exercise or write right after I finish playing online. 3 hours later, I have to rush to get ready to go to work and I haven't accomplished anything.

So! The sun is supposed to rise at 7:03am tomorrow. I will have my alarm set for 6:30, and we will do this!