To run, or not to run.

I'm late on my update. I completely forgot about it last Friday. I don't even remember if something was going on, or if I just forgot. I probably just forgot. With so much going on, I've been forgetting a lot of things. I'm not really sure what to say though. I feel like even though I'm incredibly busy I have nothing to write about. I'm busy with all the same stuff and I don't want to bore you guys. Work (trying to find a new job,) School (trying to find time to do my homework), Wedding planning (trying to find a ceremony location).

Mainly lately, I've been trying to be ok with the fact that I seem to have gained a little weight. I don't know if I have or not. I haven't stepped on a scale because I'm trying to change a lifetime habit of associating my worth with my weight.

I could just be bloated. It is that time. However, I would not be surprised if I had gained some weight. I crave chocolate and salty snacks pretty much all the time when I'm stressed. So, I haven't been eating healthy. I also haven't been working out. I usually do Zumba once a week, but that's about it. And I didn't go last night. I was supposed to start exercising with a friend, but I had to cancel because I was exhausted.

I get jealous whenever I see a runner. I'm not sure if it's because I usually see then when I'm at or on my way to work, or if I really wish I was running.

Dream morning, take 1.

My dream morning did not happen this morning. At least, not entirely. I set my alarm to 7:30am, as I did not go to bed until 12:30. Mainly because Fiance doesn't come home until 10:30, and it really stinks to go all day without having a real conversation, or spending any time with him. Which honestly is my biggest obstacle to my early morning dream. Let's face it, his work schedule isn't likely to change. I will have to decide if watching the sun rise is worth not having those couple of hours with him.

It was successful in that I spent some time working on homework. I'm not done by any means, but at least I've worked on it. I will have to choose between exercising, and writing though as I don't have time to do both now.

Fiance is off of work today. Perhaps I can convince him to go for a walk with me after I get off of work. I would like to get some form of movement in today, but by the time I get off of work it is dark still and I am nervous about being a lone woman walking around in the dark. I wish I didn't live in a world where I had to worry about that.

I'm thinking about waking up at 7 tomorrow even though it's my day off. If I continue waking up a half hour earlier every day then it will be easier to wake up before the sun rises. However, it would be nice to have one morning that I don't wake up to an alarm.

So, goals for the week:
1. Work on achieving dream morning
2. Continue working on Master's Degree
3. Continue planning wedding
4. Write
5. Exercise.

If I don't talk to ya'll before then, see you in a week!

In which I describe my dream mornings

In my ideal life, I wake up before the sun rises fully refreshed. I make myself a cup of coffee or tea, and sit outside and watch the sun rise and contemplate life. Then I go for a run in the cool morning air, or do yoga in my back yard. Or maybe I take care of my garden, weeding, watering, and harvesting. And then I sit down with my journal or laptop, and write. Either creatively, journaling, or both.

Sounds lovely, right? So why aren't I doing it? My mornings right now generally involve waking up just after the sun rises feeling like a zombie until after I've had caffiene. Telling myself I will exercise or write right after I finish playing online. 3 hours later, I have to rush to get ready to go to work and I haven't accomplished anything.

So! The sun is supposed to rise at 7:03am tomorrow. I will have my alarm set for 6:30, and we will do this!

I've neglected you.

My poor little blog, I've been neglecting you. I keep meaning to write, to update you all on how my goals are going(slowly or not at all) but then I get distracted by...everything else in the world.

So, deal time!

I promise to post something once a week. And you (any of you) will read this and hopefully be inspired. And maybe, comment once in a while?

I hereby commit myself to posting at least on Fridays.

Losing weight

Do you need to lose weight? No really, do you actually need to lose weight for the sake of your own health? Or are you trying to lose weight because you don't like your arms, your butt, your stomach, etc? What if you lose the 10, 15, or 20lbs you feel like you have to lose to be pretty?

What if you still don't feel pretty after you lost the weight?

What if you could feel pretty, exactly as you are now? What if more then feeling "pretty" you felt strong, capable, worthy of respect, and beautiful?

I realized recently that the only time I feel like I need to lose weight is when I'm having a bad day because of something else. And then I'm downright mean to myself. (Mentally calling myself a "fat fuck", a "slob", etc. and I have no idea where these thoughts came from.) Then, I start trying to punish myself (I start wanting to exercise not because I know I will feel great afterwards, but because I don't deserve to do anything else).

And I've decided it needs to stop. So I'm getting rid of my scale, and giving it to a good friend who needs to lose weight for health reasons, so she can keep track of her progress. I'm going to make sure I eat 5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, and exercise most days then I don't. (Which means I really need to start doing that again, because it's been a while since I've exercised.) And when I exercise, I'm going to do whatever feels like fun at that moment.

I'm going to stop saying things like "I hate my stomach", and start saying things like "I should do more core exercises to protect my back", because that's true.

If I lose weight while exercising and eating healthy, then fine. If I don't, then fine.

I know that there are some people out there who probably think I need to lose weight. But if they're not thinking that out of a place of concern for my well being, then they can fuck off. I also know that I have a few friends who are trying to lose weight for health reasons, and I wish them fruitful rewards for all of their hard work, and offer my moral and practical support. For everyone else...think about what I said, ok?

I'm still working out!

Here's the work out I just did:
10 forward lunges
10 squat jumps
10 push ups (3 regular, 7 on knees)
10 bend and thrusts (5 jumping, 5 stepping back)
10 plie squats
10 jumping jacks
3 3-second t stabilizations
10 seated rotations
2 sunrise salutations.
Yesterday I did my first outside run. Running outside is a lot harder then running on the treadmill, even with the resistance increased to one. I seem to be able to run for about 4 minutes before I have to stop and walk. I planned yesterday on being out for a half an hour. Mainly because a running friend of mine wrote me a 5k training plan, and that's what yesterday's instructions were. So, in that half an hour I managed to walk/run 1.15 miles, and back. So...2.30miles. Of course, the way back I had to walk almost the entire way, because I didn't warm up and stretch enough so I had major leg cramps. Next time, longer warm up, more stretching.

In which I return

Well hi everyone! Fancy meeting you here....at this place I said I would be days...(weeks?) ago. Sorry to keep you waiting. I've been awfully lax on working out. I'll work out one or two days a week, take a week off, rinse and repeat. Bad, I know. You would think that wanting to do something as awesome as run a marathon would be enough to get me training, wouldn't you? Add to that that it's an instant mood booster, and you should have to try to get me from going to the gym, instead of trying to get me to go to the gym. But no, no dice. I seem to need tangible rewards, not intrinsic rewards. So I have chosen chocolate. Yes, chocolate. I crave it multiple times a day. I can force myself through sheer force of will to not have any for a couple weeks maximum, and then I binge. So, I have decided that I will not be able to have any sweets, until after I exercise. And it's been three days in a row! Go me! I'm especially proud of myself for my workout today, it's a new personal record.

I ran a mile and a half on the treadmill with the resistance set at 1 (I had read that doing so mimics running outdoors) and didn't have to slow down to walk at all! I even sped up at the end! (I'm in the habit of increasing my speed from 4 to 4.5 for the last little bit.)

So proud of myself. :)